Working days I am consumed, I can float like a regular bubble. I can feel being part of something, that I can contribute on somethings. Of course I do not like waking up by the alarm clock and the feeling of leaving the kids behind.
Sometimes it is more liberating coz I do not need to think about others, I only think about myself and my work. But I worry sometimes about home. Lately, I will just feel my anxiety kicking in. Like I will get that Bad call again.
I was at work when my sister in law called me that my brother in law is dead and in the morge. It is not the first time I got calls like this. Shocking call that someone is dead or something really bad happened.
It is like a hole in my brain. I guess it's trauma. A black monster that hunts me, makes me afraid of life. Makes me really afraid that something bad will happen again.
Yah working days can make me float a bit.
X
Haze
Today, I am eating lunch alone. I am waiting a theater play in a bit, Sweedy Todd.
Sometimes being alone makes me peaceful. I do not think much of anyone, feels like floating in the black hole. Nothing much matters, just you and your thoughts.
When I was young I do not want to be alone because I am always alone. I feel sad not being with anyone. It's like I needed that warmth from someone. I cannot eat by myself or go somone alone. It felt stupid, it felt lonely.
Now that I am always surrounded people, always! I now seek for my alone time. Like now, I do not need to talk to anyone. I am just writing this which makes me feel like I am talking to myself.
Lunch is good, my favorite Salmon sanwich.
Write later, I am excited about the play.
X
H
Today, I feel a bit okay. I am not alone but less people around me. I am trying my best not to be angry or irritated. I am like a ticking bomb, once I get mad I cannot control it. All the negative feelings come in, like a monster being unleashed.
To be honest, I have a lot of hang up as a kid. My mom who I love is one person that can really make me angry and sad. Many things that she will say and do that will make me feel that I am not enough, that she does not love me as much as I can see her Love for others. Is this a normal feeling as a child? I am really not a child anymore but I will always feel that I need my moms Love and when I do not feel it, it makes me so angry and sad.
X
H
Today I decided to write my feelings. Maybe this silent note shall understand what is killing my soul inside. Maybe if I write I will later understand.
I am just thinking, if the person closest to you (by blood) do not seem to know you as YOU then who will know the real you?
What if what you know about yourself is not even YOU.
X
H
